What is the nature of saving faith? What if you end up in a situation opposite to the man in Mark 9:20-24..in the sense, you know God CAN, but you no longer believe that He WILL help you or save you?
What if despite having had what you thought was true faith, despite centering your life on God for years, all you get is silence within and without? You see your life falling apart in every possible way for no rhyme or reason - esp in areas where you completely trusted God to deliever you with a child-like faith. And on top of it there is no inner transformation...you follow a check-list of dos and don'ts because it says so in the Bible - but there's no real fruit of the Spirit within - no joy, hope, love or peace...Atleast, even if it was there earlier - it has died.
So what conclusions do you draw from your experiences or the lack of those? That your faith is weak? Well, how does one produce a stronger faith?
I've been praying for faith and spiritual health for years...what more must I do to have proper faith? Doesn't faith flow from grace? So have I been denied that grace? After yrs of opposition, should I accept Calvinism to be true? That grace is extended only to a select few, and I don't happen to be one?
And if faith is a function of my will, then how do I go about willing it? In the last couple of months, I've strongly come to doubt that I have whatever it takes to have God's presence in my life. I look at my life now, and all I feel for God is fear - for bad as things are, I know He could make them even worse (in order to test me?). How can I fake a loving devotion to Him?
It's a very strange situation - I know my life is not worth a bean without God...yet I also know that He's not in my life and there's nothing I can do to bring Him into my life..desperate though I may be..Can one continue to believe that God is in his life year after year, in the absence of any internal or external corroboration of that?